Today I feel like this

Kind of tired, in a daze, and my clothes are too tight.

Thoughts about attachment

In our foster training classes, (which were really good and so much more helpful than I expected) we spent one session talking about how children form attachments. I had looked forward to that topic since the beginning of our training, because truthfully, I felt lost when it came to connecting with James and forming a bond with him. To start out, our trainers asked us to name some of the ways we thought children formed attachments. I don't remember what answers were given, but I do remember the answers I was thinking of: plan activities together, talk with them, have fun together, try to understand their perspective...simple things, but things I was having a hard time figuring out how to do. Andy and James were already great at these things - they could enjoy similar activities, talk about topics I couldn't really join in on (I think we all know I'm alluding to sports here!) and I'm pretty sure Andy understands the mind of a teenage boy better than I do. After a few guesses as to how children form attachment to their caregiver, our trainers prompted us to think about how babies form bonds with their parents. Immediately my thoughts (and everyone else's) clarified: a child forms an attachment when you consistently meet their needs. This realization felt like a gift, like I could suddenly breathe again. It seemed stunningly simple, and in some ways so much easier than what I had been trying to do.

That evening of trainging was several months ago, but it comes back to me often these days. In many ways, the contrast between taking care of Hazel and taking care of James is significant, but in others, I find myself amazed (and often amused) at how similar their needs are.

One of the things we tolerate and even enjoy about babies and very young children is that they are completely uninhibited - they will tell you in plain words that they want you to watch them, adore them, give them every bit of attention and love you possibly can. But as they grow into older children and adults, we expect them to become less demanding, and to monitor their needs and express them in acceptable ways. But that need really doesn't change. If we are honest, we are all begging to be seen, known, rejoiced over, loved. We just find socially acceptable ways to express it. Usually. :) I am often amused that James has no qualms about asking me to stop everything and just watch him do something. I don't recall expecting my parents to do this, but I have a pretty strong hunch it's because I didn't question whether I was truly known and loved and cared for - they had built that bond with me since the day I was born. James hasn't had that with us, and truthfully has received it only in bits and pieces before living with us.

So when I'm put off by his overt request for attention and I'm tempted to say I don't have time, or I need to finish cleaning the kitchen first and then I'll come watch him play Bears vs. Packers on theWii, I need to remind myself of this. We're essentially in the "newborn" phase with him right now, and accordingly, I need to be generous with my attention and love.

On a side note, this explains why I'm so tired - we have TWO newborns!! :)

I think I feel like myself these days

Since becoming a mother, I've struggled a bit with what it means to be me, as a mom. Many of the things I enjoy or do are either no longer possible, or possible in much smaller amounts, especially now that I am back at work. I don't have the luxury of baking whenever I want, or long trips to the grocery store and running errands, or coffee with a dear friend whenever we can squeeze it in. Now those things often have to be planned, and I have a very cute someone else's eating and sleeping schedule to consider and work around. At first it seemed very difficult, even impossible sometimes, for me to go anywhere or get anything accomplished, which apparently is very important to me, because I found the thought of things always being this way a bit suffocating.

But lately things seem...easier. It helps that Hazel is a little older now (even though I still want her to be as tiny as the day she was born!), and getting a little more sleep keeps my perspective in balance. But I also think my self, or whatever it is that makes us who we are, is shifting and evolving to become a mother. Even though I have been a mom for several months now, I feel I am still becoming. On some level, I must have assumed it would happen instantly, because the process of becoming a mother has taken me by surprise. Often in ways that reveal my true heart: I have been humbled, surprised, embarassed and grateful. But I think mostly humbled.

Baking =

Bonding
James stays with us almost every weekend. For the most part he's all boy. He loves sports, video games, pranks, eating, more sports, more video games...in short, we have almost nothing in common. Except for that eating part. :) We both love food - eating it, talking about it, and now making it. I try to set aside time for us to make something together each time he is with us. Usually he acts a bit impatient with how long the process takes or how many steps it involves, but he's always very proud of the finished product.

Math Lessons
I always thought I wouldn't do what my parents (wisely) did and turn every day moments into little lessons, but today I found myself giving a mini math lesson in the middle of making a loaf of bread. Hey, what better time to prove you really do need math? :)

An Inexpensive Activity
As a super-intelligent person, I have quickly come to a new and startling revelation...kids are expensive! But a little flour, butter and eggs make for  a pretty inexpensive way to spend our Saturday morning.

Delicious Bread (if you have even the slightest interest in food, you will love this site. I'm obsessed with everything she makes)
I hope. Waiting for it to cool.

Crash Course Update

Considering it's been an unmentionably long time since I've posted, and given the fact that our lives have changed considerably since then, I thought it might be appropriate to have an "update on the McCanns" post before I dive into the jungle of thoughts I've been wading through lately.

Last November 19th, Hazel Eden joined our little family and has been bringing us laughter, love, joy, and many sleepless nights ever since. :)

A while ago, (ok a long time ago) I posted about a life-changing decision and never explained what it was. While this is a very long story that won't all be told on this blog, the short of it is that we are soon to become a family of four! James, one of Andy's previous students, will be coming to live with us soon. Though we are a bit terrified at becoming parents to an almost teenager (What are we thinking?!? Teenagers are awful...from what I remember of being a teenager.) we are also excited to have James as part of our family.

I guess those are the only real changes. We have the same jobs, live in the same place, drive the same cars...yet somehow everything is completely different. Including how much time we have. We've never had loads of free time, but now I've realized that the phrase "free time" is actually a joke. There is no such thing as free time! Time you use for one thing means sacrificing something else, so we find ourselves trying to choose the best things to spend our time on. And speaking of time, mine is gone.