Friday Reflections

I think this week's reflections may read more like confessions...that's just the mood I'm in or the week I've had - not sure which.

1. I am a failed couponer. To be honest I didn't go all in, but I think that ends up being like a part time job, and right now my full time job seems like a little much. Anyway, back to my coupon failure. I did successfully gather and use many coupons, and maybe I even got some good deals. But in the end I spent more money the weeks when I used coupons then on the weeks when I didn't. I'm sure this means I didn't make a good list or didn't follow the circulars or go at the right time or go to enough stores, but until that makes itself more apparent to me, I'm just grocery shopping the old way. 

2. Sometimes I am really good at just doing things without letting the details overwhelm me. And sometimes, I'm just really good at making lists. This has been a list week.

3. I like to think that I can make a lot of things. I often see something and think "I could just make that." But the truth is, I should probably stop thinking that. Because then I put it on a virtual list in my mind of things that I will do when I have extra time, and that list is getting pretty long these days.

4. I was right about being a sick mom. It's pretty much the same. But I did stay home from work one day and slept until 11:38 am! And even then, it was only Ozzie's barking that woke me. 

5. I'm so thankful for an extra day at home this weekend. I am trying not to overestimate how many things I can do with this extra day and just think of it as time to enjoy and spend with my family. 

Fun fact

My boss thinks lozenges are called "lozengers." I didn't correct her the first time I heard it and now it's too late.

Friday is long gone...but how about Monday Musings?

I've already missed a Friday, but I've decided to just make up for it today and keep going.

1. It's incredible (and sometimes complicated) to think about how we are created for relationships, and what that is supposed to look like and how it most reflects God and His love. Even though there are no perfect relationships, I'm so thankful for the ones I have - sometimes they seem pretty close! :)

2. Really (REALLY) enjoyed my weekend in Nashville with Casi. Talented artists, great food with steaming hot coffee, long walks amongst green trees and rolling hills, cookie dough egg rolls, delicious crepes, guilt-free frozen yogurt (unless you pile the toppings on like I did), and lots of catching up. How could I not enjoy a weekend like that? (Did I mention I got to sleep in?)

3. Hazel is sick for the first time, and her little cough, runny nose and pink cheeks are so pitiful. She just let me hold her this morning and laid her head down on my shoulder, which hasn't happened since she was about half of her current size. I love snuggly Hazel, but this time it just made me sad.

4. I can tell I'm about 12-24 hours out from having a bad cold/flu. This will be my first time being really sick as a mom...I've been dreading it. I just have the feeling that being a mom and being a sick mom look almost exactly the same.

5. God is providing an extra meausre of grace in our lives these days. Things with James are very up and down, and it seems like Andy and I take turns feeling discouraged. We are just about to start a study for foster and adoptive parents, and I am hoping it will help us better understand and interpret some of the issues we are coming up against. Honestly, there are times I'm tempted to feel like giving up or quitting, but each time I'm reminded that this is not a project or a hobby. This is a person and a life that God wants to redeem and heal. That seems miles away right now, but I have to trust that God will figure out a way.

Friday Reflections

See? I can’t even stick with the same name for my traditions! Actually the name “Friday Five” was kind of stuck in my craw all week (I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud…and I sort of feel funny typing it but that’s exactly how it was) and I knew I would have to improve the name if I was going to keep this tradition going. Not that this one is so innovative or intriguing, but I think it represents what I'll be posting a little more accurately. So without further ado....

1. I really love being a mom. I've started making baby food for Hazel, which I was afraid would seem like another task on my to-do list, but has ended up feeling like the perfect marriage of two things that I love - food and Hazel. :) The nerdy part of me loves freezing fruit and veggie purees into perfect little cubes and storing them in neatly marked bags. And lining them up. And taking pictures of them. Seriously, I can't get over how much I love cubed food. I can't even explain why.

2. Sometimes I find it really hard to be a mom. I knew it would be a lot of responsibility, but I didn't understand what the weight of that love/responsibility/committment would feel like. Sometimes it feels like exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, and other times I feel like I need to let someone know that I really shouldn't be in charge of all this, and someone more capable, less selfish, and possibly with superhuman attributes should be in charge. I can usually manage the thought of the "tasks" involved with being a mother. It's the idea that I'm responsible (at least partially) to make sure they become the kind of person God meant for them to be. In a broken world, and as an imperfect person, that seems so improbable at times. (But most often see #1 above) :)

3. Baseball season is upon us! Since you probably know that I'm not normally excited for (or even aware of) baseball season, I should explain that this is only relevant because James is on a baseball team this year, and the games have begun! However, the first game was called at the bottom of the first inning when a fuse blew and the field went dark, and the second game got rained out before it even started, so I have yet to sit through a full game. But my one inning of experience tells me I better get smart quick - bug spray, a stash of food/water, and some lawn chairs are going to be our necesseties this summer.

4. Remember when I said I have a great family? I was just looking through my photos and found this picture from my weekend in Muskegon. David and James...I'm just counting the days till James asks if he can have a motorcycle.


5. Not to end on a down note, but several times this week I've found myself overcome by the brokenness of this world. There is nothing that remains untouched by it, and when I really allow myself to think about how deeply it affects both the people I love, and those who are most vulnerable, it can seem so hopeless. But I cling to the fact that in the end God will redeem His beloved creation and make each and every part whole and new again. And until then, His grace is the only thing that binds our broken hearts and lives together.

Since it's Friday and it only seems right to end on a smile....

Happy Mother's Day to me

Great smile = best mother's day present

Friday Five

I'm really bad about traditions. I like to do things a little different every time, which includes cooking. I pretty much try to never make the same thing twice....or at least to tweak it a little bit to see if I like it even better than before. My husband finds this both amusing and annoying. Amusing that I'm always pondering and dreaming about new foods, and annoying that the thing he thought was so wonderful for dinner will probably never happen again.
It extends to holidays too. I like to get different ornaments for our Christmas tree every year, and I really can't even recall what we "normally" do to begin making any traditions for our family.
But it's a little different when you have kids. All the sudden I find myself wanting to create traditions that are meaningful and intentional, to provide an opportunity for memories to be made and retold over and over. So I'm working on that.
In the meantime, I thought I'd start my own little tradition of naming the top five things that stand out to me about my week every Friday, just to practice doing something more than once. :)

1. Hazel started sleeping MUCH better this past week, allowing me to sleep for longer than an hour and a half at a time. Thank you my cute little monkey!

2. I decided to become a phone person. For some reason I've developed a slight phobia of talking on the phone - I always feel like I need the perfect situation to sit down and talk and have no interruptions...and I realized that will probably never happen again. So I'm overcoming my phobia and using my new bluetooth more often. It's nice to talk to people I love. :)

3. I recently started menu planning, and I love it! I need to work on menus that use common ingredients so I can trim my grocery bill a little bit, but so far I love the challenge of finding foods I think are worth eating that are also kid-friendly and somewhat quick to throw together.

4. I've been reminded so many times this week about how much I try to control my life. I'm not really a perfectionist, but I think I really like to know what to expect and try to plan everything out, and I think God is trying (probably has been for years but I'm just catching on) that I don't always get to know what to expect. I'm not in charge.

5. My family is really cool. I went home last weekend with James and Hazel, and each person made my weekend really special in several different ways. One of the best things was seeing James follow my brothers and dad around all weekend, just about the happiest I'd ever seen him. He is amazed at how many people are now in his family and is constantly asking me how many there would be if we got everyone from Andy's family and my family together. He always makes these wild guesses like 1,000? Or maybe 500? I usually try to talk him down to somewhere under 100, but truthfully I have no idea. Good project now that I think of it.

Happy Friday!

To be 12

To be 12 is to find unending delight in all things ridiculous.
To be 12 is to inexplicably go through 6 pairs of jeans in 3 days...and only 1 pair of underwear.
To be 12 is to eyeball the last pork chop while you still have your second pork chop on your plate.
To be 12 is to be an ironic combination of complete self absorption and self oblivion - still young enough to think the whole world is looking at you, old enough to wonder what the world thinks of you, but not quite old enough to have any idea.

Heart Melter

Every morning I have to wake Hazel up to feed her and get her ready to go to the sitters,and every morning she just lays there and smiles at me for as long as I let her. Sweet girl.

Say Something

I really love reading other people's blogs, and I check facebook from time to time and enjoy feeling like I know what's going on with my friends - some that I talk to all the time and others I wish I saw more often. But it's pretty rare that I comment. I'm not really sure why - sometimes I'm just busy, other times I don't have anything to say, but more often than not,  it's because I assume they don't need to hear my thoughts - that they probably have lots of other people in their lives that affirm, encourage, and appreciate them. And in most cases that's probably true.

But a few days ago one of my childhood friends left me a generous, thoughtful comment that meant a lot to me, and it caused me to recall a conversation I'd had with another dear friend of mine several months ago. We'd both read the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist, and we were talking about the chapter called "Say Something." Basically Shauna just cuts through all the reasons (EXCUSES) why we don't say something when we could - we aren't sure how to comfort someone, we feel awkward, we don't know the right words, we don't feel like they want to hear what we have to say...all of it ends up being about ourselves. She urges her readers to just say something, even if we don't think it's the perfect thing, or even if we doubt we should say anything. In her case, I think she was focusing more on times of grief and loss in others lives, but as my mind revisits this conversation from time to time, I've realized it is foundational to the way we form relationships. There are so many times I have something to say, and I don't say it. Instead of sharing openly and making myself vulnerable, I stay silent and maintain my safe distance.

But after gratefully reading my friend's encouragement, I wondered how many times I've stolen this joy from someone else by keeping my thoughts to myself. So to Ang, thank you for an undeserved but much appreciated comment. I love reading your thoughts, seeing your beautiful girls, and hearing about your ideas, activities, and even what you ate for breakfast. :) And to Casi, thanks for being the kind of friend that makes me think about things like this on a daily basis. You are one of the best "say something" people I know. 

On the up side....

Things that made this morning not so great

• Getting up at 5:00 am to get the kids and myself ready without Andy there to help
• Feeling bad for Andy waking up at 4:15 am for his field trip. Sorry you have such a long day today. :(
• Sweeping up a shattered cereal bowl in the kitchen

Things that made this morning a little better

• I successfully readied two children and arrived at work early (if you know me, this is shocking)
• Sweeping my kitchen floor before work. In my mind, only truly remarkable people perform any type of cleaning tasks before work. I plan to operate for the rest of the day under the assumption that I must be a truly remarkable person.

Milestones

Last night Hazel went to sleep at 8:00 pm. (not 11:30 pm!)

This morning James made his bed and put away his breakfast dishes without being asked.

Hazel has started leaning toward me when she wants me to hold her. (and it's impossible to deny that cute little face!)

James yelled "love you mom" as he ran out the door for the bus and I yelled "love you too" back...and it felt pretty natural.

Trying to hide my smile

I'm currently listening to my boss complain about someone who really wants to be her friend on LinkedIn. First of all she's not a LinkedIn member, and she doesn't really know what it is. Second, she assumes that each time she gets a reminder, this individual personally sent her a message to ask her if they can be friends.

Her: "Why does she want to be friends so bad? Doesn't she have anything else to do other than ask if we can be friends?!  Why can't people just do their work and stop messing with all this website stuff?"

Me: .....deciding that keeping my mouth shut is probably the best option at this point.

Today I feel like this

Kind of tired, in a daze, and my clothes are too tight.

Thoughts about attachment

In our foster training classes, (which were really good and so much more helpful than I expected) we spent one session talking about how children form attachments. I had looked forward to that topic since the beginning of our training, because truthfully, I felt lost when it came to connecting with James and forming a bond with him. To start out, our trainers asked us to name some of the ways we thought children formed attachments. I don't remember what answers were given, but I do remember the answers I was thinking of: plan activities together, talk with them, have fun together, try to understand their perspective...simple things, but things I was having a hard time figuring out how to do. Andy and James were already great at these things - they could enjoy similar activities, talk about topics I couldn't really join in on (I think we all know I'm alluding to sports here!) and I'm pretty sure Andy understands the mind of a teenage boy better than I do. After a few guesses as to how children form attachment to their caregiver, our trainers prompted us to think about how babies form bonds with their parents. Immediately my thoughts (and everyone else's) clarified: a child forms an attachment when you consistently meet their needs. This realization felt like a gift, like I could suddenly breathe again. It seemed stunningly simple, and in some ways so much easier than what I had been trying to do.

That evening of trainging was several months ago, but it comes back to me often these days. In many ways, the contrast between taking care of Hazel and taking care of James is significant, but in others, I find myself amazed (and often amused) at how similar their needs are.

One of the things we tolerate and even enjoy about babies and very young children is that they are completely uninhibited - they will tell you in plain words that they want you to watch them, adore them, give them every bit of attention and love you possibly can. But as they grow into older children and adults, we expect them to become less demanding, and to monitor their needs and express them in acceptable ways. But that need really doesn't change. If we are honest, we are all begging to be seen, known, rejoiced over, loved. We just find socially acceptable ways to express it. Usually. :) I am often amused that James has no qualms about asking me to stop everything and just watch him do something. I don't recall expecting my parents to do this, but I have a pretty strong hunch it's because I didn't question whether I was truly known and loved and cared for - they had built that bond with me since the day I was born. James hasn't had that with us, and truthfully has received it only in bits and pieces before living with us.

So when I'm put off by his overt request for attention and I'm tempted to say I don't have time, or I need to finish cleaning the kitchen first and then I'll come watch him play Bears vs. Packers on theWii, I need to remind myself of this. We're essentially in the "newborn" phase with him right now, and accordingly, I need to be generous with my attention and love.

On a side note, this explains why I'm so tired - we have TWO newborns!! :)

I think I feel like myself these days

Since becoming a mother, I've struggled a bit with what it means to be me, as a mom. Many of the things I enjoy or do are either no longer possible, or possible in much smaller amounts, especially now that I am back at work. I don't have the luxury of baking whenever I want, or long trips to the grocery store and running errands, or coffee with a dear friend whenever we can squeeze it in. Now those things often have to be planned, and I have a very cute someone else's eating and sleeping schedule to consider and work around. At first it seemed very difficult, even impossible sometimes, for me to go anywhere or get anything accomplished, which apparently is very important to me, because I found the thought of things always being this way a bit suffocating.

But lately things seem...easier. It helps that Hazel is a little older now (even though I still want her to be as tiny as the day she was born!), and getting a little more sleep keeps my perspective in balance. But I also think my self, or whatever it is that makes us who we are, is shifting and evolving to become a mother. Even though I have been a mom for several months now, I feel I am still becoming. On some level, I must have assumed it would happen instantly, because the process of becoming a mother has taken me by surprise. Often in ways that reveal my true heart: I have been humbled, surprised, embarassed and grateful. But I think mostly humbled.

Baking =

Bonding
James stays with us almost every weekend. For the most part he's all boy. He loves sports, video games, pranks, eating, more sports, more video games...in short, we have almost nothing in common. Except for that eating part. :) We both love food - eating it, talking about it, and now making it. I try to set aside time for us to make something together each time he is with us. Usually he acts a bit impatient with how long the process takes or how many steps it involves, but he's always very proud of the finished product.

Math Lessons
I always thought I wouldn't do what my parents (wisely) did and turn every day moments into little lessons, but today I found myself giving a mini math lesson in the middle of making a loaf of bread. Hey, what better time to prove you really do need math? :)

An Inexpensive Activity
As a super-intelligent person, I have quickly come to a new and startling revelation...kids are expensive! But a little flour, butter and eggs make for  a pretty inexpensive way to spend our Saturday morning.

Delicious Bread (if you have even the slightest interest in food, you will love this site. I'm obsessed with everything she makes)
I hope. Waiting for it to cool.

Crash Course Update

Considering it's been an unmentionably long time since I've posted, and given the fact that our lives have changed considerably since then, I thought it might be appropriate to have an "update on the McCanns" post before I dive into the jungle of thoughts I've been wading through lately.

Last November 19th, Hazel Eden joined our little family and has been bringing us laughter, love, joy, and many sleepless nights ever since. :)

A while ago, (ok a long time ago) I posted about a life-changing decision and never explained what it was. While this is a very long story that won't all be told on this blog, the short of it is that we are soon to become a family of four! James, one of Andy's previous students, will be coming to live with us soon. Though we are a bit terrified at becoming parents to an almost teenager (What are we thinking?!? Teenagers are awful...from what I remember of being a teenager.) we are also excited to have James as part of our family.

I guess those are the only real changes. We have the same jobs, live in the same place, drive the same cars...yet somehow everything is completely different. Including how much time we have. We've never had loads of free time, but now I've realized that the phrase "free time" is actually a joke. There is no such thing as free time! Time you use for one thing means sacrificing something else, so we find ourselves trying to choose the best things to spend our time on. And speaking of time, mine is gone.

Check out our new (and sort of temporary) blog here.

In case you haven't already met him

This is Ozzie. Can usually be found on a pillow (exhibit A)

or as close as humanly possible to Andy or myself.

 (exhibits B, C, and D)

He is obviously starved for attention.

Really shouldn't be baking but...

I'm mulling over a life-changing decision, have a huge (and boring) project to finish, and my house could definitely use a good cleaning.

So of course, I am baking.