The Other Side of Reason

Identity Crisis

2011-11-07T10:10:00.001-06:00

I recently aquired an iPhone, which among other things has allowed me the opportunity to play with some fun new apps. My newest one is Words with Friends (basically online Scrabble), and requires a username. You can use the jumble of numbers and letters they assign you, or you can come up with your own. I thought it would be fun to play with people I know, so therefore a somewhat "searchable" name would be helpful so I could easily tell people what name to look up.

As it turns out, I can't think of a single thing to call myself. I don't really want to use my name, but I figured some other favorite item or characteristic identifier shouldn't be too hard to come up with. But everything I think of seems fake, like I'm pretending to really love something that I only enjoy on occasion. Bookwrm? Please, I haven't finished more than 3 books cover to cover in the last 12 months. Lvs2bake? Maybe - do box mixes count? Crzymom? Getting closer...but I've always tried to shy away from defining myself as a role. (girlfriend, wife, mom...)

ndcisive1? Could be the winner.

Friday Reflections

2011-07-09T08:19:00.000-05:00

This is turning into a pattern - I think of different things I'd like to write about throughout the week, but I put it off until I'm forced to do it on Fridays. Maybe I need to committ to writing a very small post daily so I don't forget all those little thoughts floating in and out of my consciousness.

But for today:

1. Andy and I have our 6 year anniversary tomorrow. In some ways that seems impossible, and in other ways I feel we've been married for much longer than that. And I mean that in a good way. These days we operate as a team, trying to coordinate schedules and appointments and meals and chores...it's impossible for me to imagine doing this alone, and impossible for me to imagine doing this with anyone else. I am blessed.

2. Last night after his baseball game, James reminded me we only have 4 more left. A couple months ago, the baseball schedule stretched out before me like a never-ending road, and all I could see were lots of fast-food meals, late nights for Hazel, and evenings spent slapping away mosquitoes while we tried to cheer on our team. But now it's almost over, and though all of those things I imagined did happen, we've also seen James improve through practice and discipline, and the look on his face when he hits a homerun or helps bring in a run has made it well worth it. Next up: football!

3. It seems like a long time ago already, but we really enjoyed our trip to Omaha. James loved swimming in the pool at the hotel and hanging out with some of Andy's younger cousins. Even if one of them did hit him in the face (right between his eyebrows) with a baseball, prompting Andy to call him Jake from Avatar for the rest of the weekend. And Hazel made good use of all the extra people by soaking up every bit of attention she could. She smiled, flirted, crawled, laughed, and ate whatever she could put in her mouth. And did her best to wake up every hour on the hour. Apparently sleeping in the same room is a bad idea.

4. I'm realizing amidst the chaotic schedule and the tyranny of the urgent, I need to decide to use some of my time to refresh myself so I can keep up with everything. There are days I feel like I'm not cut out to be a working mother of two (ok pretty much every day) and every once in a while I remember to take a step back, remember what God's heart for our family is, and just take a few minutes to do something I enjoy. Those 10 minutes weren't going to accomplish that much anyway. :)

5. One of the questions James repeatedly asks Andy and I is "Did you put it on facebook?" This usually comes after he does something that makes us laugh, or after we take a picture of him, or after he wins a game, or accomplishes something at school. And while Andy and I have to hide our smiles sometimes at the obvious desire for attention, it's got me thinking a lot about how facebook and blogs have affected my perception and how I experience and process things. It's easy for me to feel the need to craft an experience or a moment into a perfectly captured picture or memory...and then make sure it's available for everyone to see. And sometimes I find myself falling into the trap of thinking those moments aren't worth as much if no one else knows about them. But that's a pretty dangerous thought, and most importantly it can take my focus out of the moment and place it on how to document it later. Funny how much easier this is to recognize in someone else.

Friday Reflections....started last Friday

2011-07-01T16:54:00.000-05:00

1. Hazel seems to have grown by leaps and bounds this week. She now has a full arsenal of sounds in her pocket, including "ny-ny-ny-ny" and "ta-ta-ta-ta" (usually whispered), "ga-ga-ga" is in there as well as the ever popular "da-da" and "ma-ma." She eats all kinds of delicious foods these days, and when she falls asleep in her crib at night I can't believe that she stretches from one side to the other. So I'm posting one of my favorite pictures of her when she first started to smile, about 4-5 months ago. I miss tiny Hazel...but I love seeing her grow and learn.

2. I'm completley and totally back to being a coffee addict. I had high hopes of staying on my little-to-no caffeine levels I established when we did $1 a day and then throughout my pregnancy. But sleep deprivation (and apparently I'm supposed to be productive at work?) won out and I'm back on the juice.

3. We're really trying to cut back on our spending and figure out a way to live on one salary. That being said, I think I'm going to have to just buy a huge container of Folgers instant to keep at my desk in the meantime. The coffee at work is cheap...but not in the large quantities I've been consuming! :)

4. James has been cracking me up by parroting the little phrases I use without really thinking about it. He now refers to Hazel as a little stinker whenever she isn't going to sleep like she should, and whenever food drops on the floor, he says it's been donated to the Ozzie Fund. It's pretty funny to hear your words repeated back to you.

5. We're headed out to Omaha for the first time since 2009, and I'm really looking forward to seeing some of our family that we haven't visited in a while. I might be naive, but I think this will be a chance to relax a little and hopefully even catch up on sleep a bit. We're staying in a hotel with a pool, and for the first time since I was about 13 that sounds exciting. Watching your kids have fun is like doing something all over again for the first time, and that's been a blessing for someone like me who tends to think there's nothing new under the sun.

Happy Independence Day!

So bad, but so loved

2011-06-28T15:28:00.000-05:00

I just read a blog post on religion vs. the gospel that breathed new life into my day, especially these words:

My self-view is not based on a view of my self as a moral achiever. In Christ I am “simul iustus et peccator”—simultaneously sinful and yet accepted in Christ. I am so bad he had to die for me and I am so loved he was glad to die for me. This leads me to deeper and deeper humility and confidence at the same time. Neither swaggering nor sniveling.

The way Christ's sacrifice unites the dichotomy of a sinful heart and a beloved child of God brings so much peace and clarity to my mind. If you have a minute (though you could ponder it for much longer) read the rest of the post. It is well worth your time.

7 months - OR - Bunny Cruelty

2011-06-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

Obviously this photo shoot didn't go quite the way I wanted it to.

Friday Reflections

2011-06-17T23:53:00.000-05:00

It seems earlier than 11:30 pm. I should be tired, but a quiet house and the promise of the remainder of the weekend are luring me into staying up. So I might as well post my Friday Reflections so I can at least have something to feel accomplished about when I'm bemoaning my lack of sleep tomorrow.

1. Last weekend was full of time in the car, family, and potato salad. And I mean 40 lbs. of potato salad. I guess if we're talking poundage, my family wins out over potato salad...but that's beside the point. Daniel had his graduation open house last weekend, so we trekked up to Muskegon and helped my mom and dad get ready for the party. It was nice just to be home and work on stuff together. James got right to work and didn't stop moving from early in the morning (this kid gets up early!) till late at night. And when he finally got in bed at night, that kid was asleep in less than a minute.

2. *Guest reflection by Andy* - I've found it's very tiring to be a stay at home dad. Also, if you feed a baby lots of broccoli, her dirty diaper will smell exactly like broccoli. Exactly.

3. It's really nice when your husband volunteers to go grocery shopping. It's very important to bite your tongue when you see there are very few vegetables.

4. I'm realizing that I really miss baking. I'm not exactly sure where I could fit it in, but I'm going to try. Even though it's probably not recognized as a creative art form, I think it's creative. And you get to eat your final product. :)

5. Welcome back Casi!! Even though you're still far away from me, I'm glad you're back in your own home and hopefully resting up from a long week.

4.

On my mind

2011-06-17T12:33:00.001-05:00

I really like blogging. It gives me a space to allow my thoughts to be known and heard, first to myself, and then to anyone who happens to stop by. It's good for me to edit my thoughts and organize the blur of activities into recognizable memories for myself.

But there are so many great blogs out there, and even though it's just about the worst thing you can do for yourself, I sometimes end up comparing my blog (life) with their blogs (lives), and theirs just seem so much more inspired, full of moments captured in light drenched photos, impossibly delicious food, funny little happenings, poignant moments of realization. Meanwhile my life seems really full of hasty meals on the run, scrambling to get to baseball games on time, laundry, trying not to look too closely at the floors in my house, and ever-growing to-do lists. Now I know that everyone has dishes and errands and busy schedules and that we just post about the things that bring us joy to make the other stuff more bearable. But it seems like everyone else has more time/creativity/energy/fun in their lives to blog about. And yes I am totally whining right now.

This is a perspective problem. A heart problem really. My life is full of beauty, love, relationships, undeserved grace, and more than I could possibly need. But on most days, I choose to focus on the things I find stressful, and I choke the joy out. I tell myself others have more opportunities to relax and enjoy the moments of laughter and joy in their days, and I wonder when I will be able to slow down and do the same. And I'm beginning to realize the answer is not more free time or better pictures or writing more creative posts. It's just experiencing the moments of my day when they happen instead of waiting for everything to be perfect before I can enjoy them.

Now that I have that on the table, I can get back to posting. I hope. :)

Friday Reflections - in pictures, words, and video

2011-06-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

1. James voluntarily getting sprayed by the hose on Memorial Day because it was so hot. We did a little shopping and then just hung out all day. Andy and I realized the night before Memorial Day that we are really bad at making plans. That used to be great with just the two of us - we'd end up relaxing and actually getting to see each other. But now it seems sort of lame not to make plans. We'll have to work on that. :)

2. Andy is officially Mr. Mom as of yesterday. Normally he paints during the summer, but this year he's staying at home with Hazel and James. I'm really looking forward to just coming home and putting my feet up. After I eat the dinner he made of course.

3. We don't have an action shot, but James got a homerun last night in his baseball game! Our excitement was exceeded only by his. He was still excited this morning too. :)

4. I'm getting ready to head home to Michigan for my sister's bridal showers this weekend. I'm not sure how it's possible that my little Bweeza is getting married, but it's happening!

5. Hazel is getting so old already! She celebrated Memorial Day by getting her first tooth AND saying mama. :)

Friday Reflections

2011-05-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

I think this week's reflections may read more like confessions...that's just the mood I'm in or the week I've had - not sure which.

1. I am a failed couponer. To be honest I didn't go all in, but I think that ends up being like a part time job, and right now my full time job seems like a little much. Anyway, back to my coupon failure. I did successfully gather and use many coupons, and maybe I even got some good deals. But in the end I spent more money the weeks when I used coupons then on the weeks when I didn't. I'm sure this means I didn't make a good list or didn't follow the circulars or go at the right time or go to enough stores, but until that makes itself more apparent to me, I'm just grocery shopping the old way.

2. Sometimes I am really good at just doing things without letting the details overwhelm me. And sometimes, I'm just really good at making lists. This has been a list week.

3. I like to think that I can make a lot of things. I often see something and think "I could just make that." But the truth is, I should probably stop thinking that. Because then I put it on a virtual list in my mind of things that I will do when I have extra time, and that list is getting pretty long these days.

4. I was right about being a sick mom. It's pretty much the same. But I did stay home from work one day and slept until 11:38 am! And even then, it was only Ozzie's barking that woke me.

5. I'm so thankful for an extra day at home this weekend. I am trying not to overestimate how many things I can do with this extra day and just think of it as time to enjoy and spend with my family.

Fun fact

2011-05-25T16:33:00.000-05:00

My boss thinks lozenges are called "lozengers." I didn't correct her the first time I heard it and now it's too late.

Friday is long gone...but how about Monday Musings?

2011-05-23T15:47:00.000-05:00

I've already missed a Friday, but I've decided to just make up for it today and keep going.

1. It's incredible (and sometimes complicated) to think about how we are created for relationships, and what that is supposed to look like and how it most reflects God and His love. Even though there are no perfect relationships, I'm so thankful for the ones I have - sometimes they seem pretty close! :)

2. Really (REALLY) enjoyed my weekend in Nashville with Casi. Talented artists, great food with steaming hot coffee, long walks amongst green trees and rolling hills, cookie dough egg rolls, delicious crepes, guilt-free frozen yogurt (unless you pile the toppings on like I did), and lots of catching up. How could I not enjoy a weekend like that? (Did I mention I got to sleep in?)

3. Hazel is sick for the first time, and her little cough, runny nose and pink cheeks are so pitiful. She just let me hold her this morning and laid her head down on my shoulder, which hasn't happened since she was about half of her current size. I love snuggly Hazel, but this time it just made me sad.

4. I can tell I'm about 12-24 hours out from having a bad cold/flu. This will be my first time being really sick as a mom...I've been dreading it. I just have the feeling that being a mom and being a sick mom look almost exactly the same.

5. God is providing an extra meausre of grace in our lives these days. Things with James are very up and down, and it seems like Andy and I take turns feeling discouraged. We are just about to start a study for foster and adoptive parents, and I am hoping it will help us better understand and interpret some of the issues we are coming up against. Honestly, there are times I'm tempted to feel like giving up or quitting, but each time I'm reminded that this is not a project or a hobby. This is a person and a life that God wants to redeem and heal. That seems miles away right now, but I have to trust that God will figure out a way.

Friday Reflections

2011-05-13T14:38:00.001-05:00

See? I can’t even stick with the same name for my traditions! Actually the name “Friday Five” was kind of stuck in my craw all week (I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud…and I sort of feel funny typing it but that’s exactly how it was) and I knew I would have to improve the name if I was going to keep this tradition going. Not that this one is so innovative or intriguing, but I think it represents what I'll be posting a little more accurately. So without further ado....

1. I really love being a mom. I've started making baby food for Hazel, which I was afraid would seem like another task on my to-do list, but has ended up feeling like the perfect marriage of two things that I love - food and Hazel. :) The nerdy part of me loves freezing fruit and veggie purees into perfect little cubes and storing them in neatly marked bags. And lining them up. And taking pictures of them. Seriously, I can't get over how much I love cubed food. I can't even explain why.

2. Sometimes I find it really hard to be a mom. I knew it would be a lot of responsibility, but I didn't understand what the weight of that love/responsibility/committment would feel like. Sometimes it feels like exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, and other times I feel like I need to let someone know that I really shouldn't be in charge of all this, and someone more capable, less selfish, and possibly with superhuman attributes should be in charge. I can usually manage the thought of the "tasks" involved with being a mother. It's the idea that I'm responsible (at least partially) to make sure they become the kind of person God meant for them to be. In a broken world, and as an imperfect person, that seems so improbable at times. (But most often see #1 above) :)

3. Baseball season is upon us! Since you probably know that I'm not normally excited for (or even aware of) baseball season, I should explain that this is only relevant because James is on a baseball team this year, and the games have begun! However, the first game was called at the bottom of the first inning when a fuse blew and the field went dark, and the second game got rained out before it even started, so I have yet to sit through a full game. But my one inning of experience tells me I better get smart quick - bug spray, a stash of food/water, and some lawn chairs are going to be our necesseties this summer.

4. Remember when I said I have a great family? I was just looking through my photos and found this picture from my weekend in Muskegon. David and James...I'm just counting the days till James asks if he can have a motorcycle.

5. Not to end on a down note, but several times this week I've found myself overcome by the brokenness of this world. There is nothing that remains untouched by it, and when I really allow myself to think about how deeply it affects both the people I love, and those who are most vulnerable, it can seem so hopeless. But I cling to the fact that in the end God will redeem His beloved creation and make each and every part whole and new again. And until then, His grace is the only thing that binds our broken hearts and lives together.

Since it's Friday and it only seems right to end on a smile....

Happy Mother's Day to me

2011-05-09T11:19:00.000-05:00

Great smile = best mother's day present

Friday Five

2011-05-06T16:59:00.001-05:00

I'm really bad about traditions. I like to do things a little different every time, which includes cooking. I pretty much try to never make the same thing twice....or at least to tweak it a little bit to see if I like it even better than before. My husband finds this both amusing and annoying. Amusing that I'm always pondering and dreaming about new foods, and annoying that the thing he thought was so wonderful for dinner will probably never happen again.
It extends to holidays too. I like to get different ornaments for our Christmas tree every year, and I really can't even recall what we "normally" do to begin making any traditions for our family.
But it's a little different when you have kids. All the sudden I find myself wanting to create traditions that are meaningful and intentional, to provide an opportunity for memories to be made and retold over and over. So I'm working on that.
In the meantime, I thought I'd start my own little tradition of naming the top five things that stand out to me about my week every Friday, just to practice doing something more than once. :)

1. Hazel started sleeping MUCH better this past week, allowing me to sleep for longer than an hour and a half at a time. Thank you my cute little monkey!

2. I decided to become a phone person. For some reason I've developed a slight phobia of talking on the phone - I always feel like I need the perfect situation to sit down and talk and have no interruptions...and I realized that will probably never happen again. So I'm overcoming my phobia and using my new bluetooth more often. It's nice to talk to people I love. :)

3. I recently started menu planning, and I love it! I need to work on menus that use common ingredients so I can trim my grocery bill a little bit, but so far I love the challenge of finding foods I think are worth eating that are also kid-friendly and somewhat quick to throw together.

4. I've been reminded so many times this week about how much I try to control my life. I'm not really a perfectionist, but I think I really like to know what to expect and try to plan everything out, and I think God is trying (probably has been for years but I'm just catching on) that I don't always get to know what to expect. I'm not in charge.

5. My family is really cool. I went home last weekend with James and Hazel, and each person made my weekend really special in several different ways. One of the best things was seeing James follow my brothers and dad around all weekend, just about the happiest I'd ever seen him. He is amazed at how many people are now in his family and is constantly asking me how many there would be if we got everyone from Andy's family and my family together. He always makes these wild guesses like 1,000? Or maybe 500? I usually try to talk him down to somewhere under 100, but truthfully I have no idea. Good project now that I think of it.

Happy Friday!

To be 12

2011-04-26T13:55:00.001-05:00

To be 12 is to find unending delight in all things ridiculous.
To be 12 is to inexplicably go through 6 pairs of jeans in 3 days...and only 1 pair of underwear.
To be 12 is to eyeball the last pork chop while you still have your second pork chop on your plate.
To be 12 is to be an ironic combination of complete self absorption and self oblivion - still young enough to think the whole world is looking at you, old enough to wonder what the world thinks of you, but not quite old enough to have any idea.

Heart Melter

2011-04-18T11:26:00.000-05:00

Every morning I have to wake Hazel up to feed her and get her ready to go to the sitters,and every morning she just lays there and smiles at me for as long as I let her. Sweet girl.

Say Something

2011-04-17T21:29:00.001-05:00

I really love reading other people's blogs, and I check facebook from time to time and enjoy feeling like I know what's going on with my friends - some that I talk to all the time and others I wish I saw more often. But it's pretty rare that I comment. I'm not really sure why - sometimes I'm just busy, other times I don't have anything to say, but more often than not, it's because I assume they don't need to hear my thoughts - that they probably have lots of other people in their lives that affirm, encourage, and appreciate them. And in most cases that's probably true.

But a few days ago one of my childhood friends left me a generous, thoughtful comment that meant a lot to me, and it caused me to recall a conversation I'd had with another dear friend of mine several months ago. We'd both read the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist, and we were talking about the chapter called "Say Something." Basically Shauna just cuts through all the reasons (EXCUSES) why we don't say something when we could - we aren't sure how to comfort someone, we feel awkward, we don't know the right words, we don't feel like they want to hear what we have to say...all of it ends up being about ourselves. She urges her readers to just say something, even if we don't think it's the perfect thing, or even if we doubt we should say anything. In her case, I think she was focusing more on times of grief and loss in others lives, but as my mind revisits this conversation from time to time, I've realized it is foundational to the way we form relationships. There are so many times I have something to say, and I don't say it. Instead of sharing openly and making myself vulnerable, I stay silent and maintain my safe distance.

But after gratefully reading my friend's encouragement, I wondered how many times I've stolen this joy from someone else by keeping my thoughts to myself. So to Ang, thank you for an undeserved but much appreciated comment. I love reading your thoughts, seeing your beautiful girls, and hearing about your ideas, activities, and even what you ate for breakfast. :) And to Casi, thanks for being the kind of friend that makes me think about things like this on a daily basis. You are one of the best "say something" people I know.

On the up side....

2011-04-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

Things that made this morning not so great

Getting up at 5:00 am to get the kids and myself ready without Andy there to help
Feeling bad for Andy waking up at 4:15 am for his field trip. Sorry you have such a long day today. :(
Sweeping up a shattered cereal bowl in the kitchen

Things that made this morning a little better

I successfully readied two children and arrived at work early (if you know me, this is shocking)
Sweeping my kitchen floor before work. In my mind, only truly remarkable people perform any type of cleaning tasks before work. I plan to operate for the rest of the day under the assumption that I must be a truly remarkable person.

Milestones

2011-04-13T14:32:00.001-05:00

Last night Hazel went to sleep at 8:00 pm. (not 11:30 pm!)

This morning James made his bed and put away his breakfast dishes without being asked.

Hazel has started leaning toward me when she wants me to hold her. (and it's impossible to deny that cute little face!)

James yelled "love you mom" as he ran out the door for the bus and I yelled "love you too" back...and it felt pretty natural.

Trying to hide my smile

2011-04-11T14:30:00.000-05:00

I'm currently listening to my boss complain about someone who really wants to be her friend on LinkedIn. First of all she's not a LinkedIn member, and she doesn't really know what it is. Second, she assumes that each time she gets a reminder, this individual personally sent her a message to ask her if they can be friends.

Her: "Why does she want to be friends so bad? Doesn't she have anything else to do other than ask if we can be friends?! Why can't people just do their work and stop messing with all this website stuff?"

Me: .....deciding that keeping my mouth shut is probably the best option at this point.

Today I feel like this

2011-03-31T15:23:00.000-05:00

Kind of tired, in a daze, and my clothes are too tight.

Thoughts about attachment

2011-03-30T09:58:00.000-05:00

In our foster training classes, (which were really good and so much more helpful than I expected) we spent one session talking about how children form attachments. I had looked forward to that topic since the beginning of our training, because truthfully, I felt lost when it came to connecting with James and forming a bond with him. To start out, our trainers asked us to name some of the ways we thought children formed attachments. I don't remember what answers were given, but I do remember the answers I was thinking of: plan activities together, talk with them, have fun together, try to understand their perspective...simple things, but things I was having a hard time figuring out how to do. Andy and James were already great at these things - they could enjoy similar activities, talk about topics I couldn't really join in on (I think we all know I'm alluding to sports here!) and I'm pretty sure Andy understands the mind of a teenage boy better than I do. After a few guesses as to how children form attachment to their caregiver, our trainers prompted us to think about how babies form bonds with their parents. Immediately my thoughts (and everyone else's) clarified: a child forms an attachment when you consistently meet their needs. This realization felt like a gift, like I could suddenly breathe again. It seemed stunningly simple, and in some ways so much easier than what I had been trying to do.

That evening of trainging was several months ago, but it comes back to me often these days. In many ways, the contrast between taking care of Hazel and taking care of James is significant, but in others, I find myself amazed (and often amused) at how similar their needs are.

One of the things we tolerate and even enjoy about babies and very young children is that they are completely uninhibited - they will tell you in plain words that they want you to watch them, adore them, give them every bit of attention and love you possibly can. But as they grow into older children and adults, we expect them to become less demanding, and to monitor their needs and express them in acceptable ways. But that need really doesn't change. If we are honest, we are all begging to be seen, known, rejoiced over, loved. We just find socially acceptable ways to express it. Usually. :) I am often amused that James has no qualms about asking me to stop everything and just watch him do something. I don't recall expecting my parents to do this, but I have a pretty strong hunch it's because I didn't question whether I was truly known and loved and cared for - they had built that bond with me since the day I was born. James hasn't had that with us, and truthfully has received it only in bits and pieces before living with us.

So when I'm put off by his overt request for attention and I'm tempted to say I don't have time, or I need to finish cleaning the kitchen first and then I'll come watch him play Bears vs. Packers on theWii, I need to remind myself of this. We're essentially in the "newborn" phase with him right now, and accordingly, I need to be generous with my attention and love.

On a side note, this explains why I'm so tired - we have TWO newborns!! :)

I think I feel like myself these days

2011-03-22T12:20:00.001-05:00

Since becoming a mother, I've struggled a bit with what it means to be me, as a mom. Many of the things I enjoy or do are either no longer possible, or possible in much smaller amounts, especially now that I am back at work. I don't have the luxury of baking whenever I want, or long trips to the grocery store and running errands, or coffee with a dear friend whenever we can squeeze it in. Now those things often have to be planned, and I have a very cute someone else's eating and sleeping schedule to consider and work around. At first it seemed very difficult, even impossible sometimes, for me to go anywhere or get anything accomplished, which apparently is very important to me, because I found the thought of things always being this way a bit suffocating.

But lately things seem...easier. It helps that Hazel is a little older now (even though I still want her to be as tiny as the day she was born!), and getting a little more sleep keeps my perspective in balance. But I also think my self, or whatever it is that makes us who we are, is shifting and evolving to become a mother. Even though I have been a mom for several months now, I feel I am still becoming. On some level, I must have assumed it would happen instantly, because the process of becoming a mother has taken me by surprise. Often in ways that reveal my true heart: I have been humbled, surprised, embarassed and grateful. But I think mostly humbled.

Baking =

2011-03-19T11:02:00.002-05:00

Bonding
James stays with us almost every weekend. For the most part he's all boy. He loves sports, video games, pranks, eating, more sports, more video games...in short, we have almost nothing in common. Except for that eating part. :) We both love food - eating it, talking about it, and now making it. I try to set aside time for us to make something together each time he is with us. Usually he acts a bit impatient with how long the process takes or how many steps it involves, but he's always very proud of the finished product.

Math Lessons
I always thought I wouldn't do what my parents (wisely) did and turn every day moments into little lessons, but today I found myself giving a mini math lesson in the middle of making a loaf of bread. Hey, what better time to prove you really do need math? :)

An Inexpensive Activity
As a super-intelligent person, I have quickly come to a new and startling revelation...kids are expensive! But a little flour, butter and eggs make for a pretty inexpensive way to spend our Saturday morning.

Delicious Bread (if you have even the slightest interest in food, you will love this site. I'm obsessed with everything she makes)
I hope. Waiting for it to cool.

Crash Course Update

2011-03-18T17:06:00.002-05:00

Considering it's been an unmentionably long time since I've posted, and given the fact that our lives have changed considerably since then, I thought it might be appropriate to have an "update on the McCanns" post before I dive into the jungle of thoughts I've been wading through lately.

Last November 19th, Hazel Eden joined our little family and has been bringing us laughter, love, joy, and many sleepless nights ever since. :)

A while ago, (ok a long time ago) I posted about a life-changing decision and never explained what it was. While this is a very long story that won't all be told on this blog, the short of it is that we are soon to become a family of four! James, one of Andy's previous students, will be coming to live with us soon. Though we are a bit terrified at becoming parents to an almost teenager (What are we thinking?!? Teenagers are awful...from what I remember of being a teenager.) we are also excited to have James as part of our family.

I guess those are the only real changes. We have the same jobs, live in the same place, drive the same cars...yet somehow everything is completely different. Including how much time we have. We've never had loads of free time, but now I've realized that the phrase "free time" is actually a joke. There is no such thing as free time! Time you use for one thing means sacrificing something else, so we find ourselves trying to choose the best things to spend our time on. And speaking of time, mine is gone.

2010-03-18T19:57:00.000-05:00

Check out our new (and sort of temporary) blog here.

In case you haven't already met him

2010-02-03T23:06:00.002-06:00

This is Ozzie. Can usually be found on a pillow (exhibit A)

or as close as humanly possible to Andy or myself.

(exhibits B, C, and D)

He is obviously starved for attention.

Really shouldn't be baking but...

2010-02-02T19:47:00.001-06:00

I'm mulling over a life-changing decision, have a huge (and boring) project to finish, and my house could definitely use a good cleaning.

So of course, I am baking.

Like a Hallmark movie

2009-12-08T21:52:00.000-06:00

If you know me very well, you know I don't do the overly emotional, sensationalized, feel-good type of movies. I don't look down on them or think others shouldn't watch them...it's just that I don't often find myself in the mood to cry, so I usually avoid them. Unfortunately, I seemed to find myself on the set of a Hallmark movie the other day (one of the worst offenders for the uninitiated).

Throughout our worship service on Sunday morning, the smells of our annual Thanksgiving potluck wafted through the auditorium, making it seem warm and cozy as we listened to Pastor David's message. After the service drew to a close, tables, chairs, and fall decorations flew into place in a matter of minutes, and it wasn't long before the auditorium was again full with our church family. But this time we sat before steaming plates, enjoying community, fellowship, and more food than we could possibly eat. I had not planned to stay for the meal, but as I walked through the auditorium and out to my car, I regretted my decision. I had thought I'd want the time to run home and change before I had to be back for a 12:30 mini golf outing, but as I drove out of the parking lot, I began to feel sorry for myself. Now I had only half an hour before I had to be back, and I did still need to eat...I told myself I should have just planned to stay in the first place. I'm sure no one would have known or cared that I hadn't signed up to be there or bring any food, but my stubborness won and I left. Reluctantly, I headed to McDonald's on my way home, all the while thinking of the great food I'd just left behind.

Since I was in a hurry, I headed to the drive-thru, only to change my mind last minute and swerve into a parking space. I grabbed my purse and headed in, still feeling a bit on the crabby side. As soon as I got in line, I became aware of the man standing in front of me - he was bent over and leaning on a cane, and I could tell he was wearing at least a couple pairs of pants. His clothing was dirty, and it seemed safe to assume he was going through hard times at best, and most likely had been living on the street. I watched as he pulled several coins out of his pocket and waited to order. Then I noticed the woman standing in front of him in line. Her husband had his back to us, ordering their food, and her two young children stood flanking her on either side. She had turned completely around and was unabashedly staring at the somewhat disheveled man in between us. Her eyes held a mixture of curiousity, caution, disdain...but not a trace of compassion. She held her hands in front of her two children as though he may lunge for one of them at any moment.

Immediately I felt a lump rise in my throat - less than a mile away, my church family was gathered together with more food than they probably knew what to do with, and here in front of me was a man who had exactly 75 cents for his coffee. He asked for 6 creamers - I assumed to make his coffee more filling. I debated whether to risk embarassing him by offering to buy him food, but quickly decided it was worth it and stepped up next to him.

"Can I get you something to go with your coffee?" I asked him.

He turned and looked at me, then his eyes twinkled (I'm not kidding...I told you it was like a Hallmark movie!) and he grinned and said "How about a new pair of legs and a good head of hair?" He laughed at his own joke, then said "No, thank you but I'm ok." He turned around and took his coffee to his seat.

I quickly ordered my food and decided to order him something anyway, but inside I felt conflicted. So many thoughts were running through my head: was I really so spoiled that I thought I was suffering to eat at McDonalds? What must it be like to have people stare at you as though your very presence is a threat to their personal happiness? Why was there more than enough food for the people who already had plenty, and not nearly enough for someone who needed it? How did he have the resiliency to smile and make me laugh when he had more needs than I will probably ever know? And most of all, why had God chosen to use me inspite of my rotten attitude?

Now here's the un-Hallmark moment: I was most bothered by the fact that there was no tidy answer. Was it wrong for our church to gather together in fellowship and enjoy a good meal? No. Whose fault was it that the man in front of me didn't have enough to buy more than a small cup of coffee? Unknowable. What difference did the one meal I bought him make when he doesn't know where his next will come from? And how much impact will this experience truly have on my life? Sure, it may soften my heart for a day, or even a few days, but how long will it take until I am once again consumed by my schedule, my priorities, making sure my needs (wants?) are met?

I drove away from McDonald's feeling as though every detail that day had been carefully orchestrated to jolt my heart out of the wrong direction it was headed in. I didn't feel warm and fuzzy, but I did feel, and that is something I can turn off much too easily. So I guess in retrospect, a good Hallmark movie now and then might be ok.

2008-08-17T22:30:00.002-05:00

I like grocery shopping like some people like a cold beer. After a bad day, nothing is quite as soothing as a trip to my favorite food sanctuary. It calms me to remember that no matter how long I was at work, how badly a meeting went, or what kind of disarray the house might be in, we will still need to eat, and food will still taste good. I love picking our apples for the week (should I stick with tried and true favorite Braeburn, or will the Fuji's be better this week?) and finding jewel-like tomatoes still on the vine.
On my most luxurious visits, I wander into the long aisle of gourmet cheeses and read the descriptions below each one. Every once in a while I buy one to try - what an extravagant thing to be able to eat something I have never before tasted!
Maybe its an expensive form of therapy, but considering it doubles as our grocery bill, I'm going to consider it an approved expenditure.

Surprisingly good

2008-06-12T12:09:00.002-05:00

Sliced raw zucchini and black bean salsa.

Its not that I'm that heatlhy...I just really wanted salsa, and we didn't have any chips in the house.

Add it to your list of things to try, especially now when stores are practically giving zucchini away!

2008-04-21T01:33:00.003-05:00

I'm going to skip the explanation/excuses for why I haven't posted in months, because none of them are interesting or valid, so I'm sparing myself the wasted energy and you the wasted time. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've done away with any readers I may have once had by smothering any hope that I would post on this blog again.

So I've been participating in a little experiment over the last week, and will attempt to continue this experiment over the next three weeks. One of Andy's fellow teachers challenged us (and everyone else he has any influence with) to cut back significantly on our food allowance, with a two-fold purpose in mind. The most forthright purpose is to donate the money we didn't spend on ourselves to the Heifer International organization, which gives families a sustainable gift (usually an animal) as a means of becoming more self-reliant. The less measurable second intent of this project is to realize what it means to survive on $1/day, as much of the world does.

A few weeks ago, before we had heard about this idea, something reminded me of one my favorite family quotes. I think Daniel was about 3 when he used to say this, and the frankness of it always made us laugh. It always applied to food, and it was usually in reference to something favorite, like candy. My mom would give him what she deemed the appropriate amount, and he would more often than not contest that she hadn't given him enough and ask for more. Not one to be swayed by begging, my mom would firmly explain that she had given him what she thought he needed - enough. At this point, he would become quite emotional and say "I know mom, but I want too much!" This had the effect of laughter on anyone in the near vicinity, though it didn't seem to work on my mom. I'm not sure what brought this memory back to me, but it hasn't really left my mind since then. There have been several times that I consciously tell myself I need something, like new sandals, or a cute summery shirt, or a tall cup of caffeinated goodness. But really, I don't need much of anything. I know this, and I sometimes comfort myself by just knowing this and buying it anyway. But this past week, I realized I have completely lost touch with what I need.

I haven't exactly figured out what it is I really do need to survive, and since I live in America, I am virtually guaranteed that I will never have to find out. But I have nailed down for a fact that I consistently want more than enough, in ways that go far beyond the bounds of food and basic necessities of life.

On a more basic level, I've also figured out that for $1/day, rice and beans are your very good friends.

I like...

2007-09-03T14:23:00.000-05:00

guilt free shopping, which includes buying gifts (because how can you feel guilty for spending money on someone else?) and using gift cards from thoughtful friends.
making breakfast, and having the time to sit down and eat it. Today's special: whole wheat honey and cherry pancakes; I'm still full and its 2:30 in the afternoon!
throwing things away. Don't worry mom, no important papers, and no keepsakes. Just junk. : )
new music
and old music
and listening to music while doing things I don't particularly like, such as laundry, or cleaning the bathroom.
making to-do lists
and laughing at myself when I realize I've just made one week's worth of projects for a single day off

a few thoughts

2007-08-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

I am probably writing this mostly to myself, since anyone who checks this blog on even the most erratic basis has been consistently disappointed, but I just need to write today.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend, and it has left a nagging question in my mind that I really can't answer. Or perhaps the question was already there, and it's just uncomfortably close to the surface now. As we talked about the ways our lives have changed since we last talked, we stumbled into one of our recurring, yet always unanswered, questions: what does it really look like to be a Christian? How does it make us different, and would the people I come into contact with on a daily basis be surprised to hear me profess my faith?

A beautiful, though I think only partial, answer has been formulating in my mind since then. I feel that part of being a Christian has to be the value we assign to each other. To know that every person is a reflection of the character of our Creator completely shifts the way I view someone. If this is true, I have no right to marginalize, or to constrain people to a rigid role my mind has assigned to them, or to value someone more or less according to what I think they can offer me. I know that this answer ignores a few key points of salvation and grace, but right now this thought won't leave me, and I feel like there must be a reason for that.

I've struggled so much lately with my job - I am around someone who constantly and unashamedly makes fun of anyone who is different than himself. Last Friday, this involved a female Episcopalian minister who came into our office, who he proceeded to compare to (or perhaps just decided she actually was) a lesbian (even though she was married), a muslim (?!), a tree-hugger, and a women's right activist. All of this before he had even met her! Disgusting enough on its own, but even more so when you know that this same person is a professing Christian, goes to church, teaches Sunday School to children, and makes sure we all pray together before we start our work day. Words often escape me on days like that.

I don't know what the whole answer is, but surely it must be informed by this? I always cringe when people pick a Christian who doesn't exemplify their idea of God and say "If that's what being a Christian is, I don't want anything to do with it!" I wish I could direct their attention to someone else, in part because the person they are pointing out usually is a poor example, but also because it seems like a weak excuse to pick out the person who just proves your point. But right now, I can see how hard it is to look past something like that. I'm not giving up, but I am certainly questioning how faith and grace can truly exist in what seems like such a hateful heart. And even more, I am wondering what it is that I am blind to.

A different world

2007-05-04T21:47:00.000-05:00

I'm home in Michigan this weekend visiting family. I've only been here for 17 hours, but already I've forgotten all my usual stresses.

Normal Friday: rise at 5:30, drive almost an hour to get to work, rush to see our patients on schedule, most likely fit an extra patient or two in at the end of the day, and fight the traffic to get home.

Today: slept in until 10, sat down for a leisurely cup of coffee (3 actually), visited with my extended family over a meal I didn't lift a finger to prepare, went to hear my little brother play in his band for the state festivals, and went to a talent show (in which he won 3rd place!) I also managed to fit in a rousing game of Mario Kart with Andy; not surprisingly, he won.

I could get used to not working.

2007-01-02T10:51:00.000-06:00

I have a recurring daydream which surfaces periodically, usually provoked by a story or picture depicting the lure of a world somehow different than my own. What would it be like, I wonder, to live somewhere new, where no one knows me, where nothing has been given the chance to grow boring and mundane?

The other day I was listening to NPR and they were interviewing random people who live on Route 50, an interstate stretching from the Pacific to the Atlantic. As each new interviewee answered questions and revealed their perspective, my mind began to wonder what my life would be like if I lived in Eureka, Nevada or Leawood, Kansas? What job would I have? Who would I know? Who would people think I was? It always seems so much more adventurous and quixotic than my own predictable life.

I always feel guilty when I think like this, because I'm actually quite happy and feel confident that I couldn't, and wouldn't, leave the world I know, no matter how tempting the mysterious unknown.

Concurrently, I am reminded of the blessed ties that bind; my loving husband, friends I cannot imagine losing, and a family I already miss.

The romance of the unknown pales in comparison to my treasured witnesses, the ones who are there to see and listen to the mundane details of my life, to verify that I experience, grow, change, exist.

Guilty as charged on all accounts

2006-12-03T16:36:00.000-06:00

Blog abuse, blog block, blog neglect.

I have no excuse, at least no excuse that everyone else doesn't have as well. Yes I've been busy, taken up with the celebrations and festivities, yes work has been crazy with everyone trying to get their appointments in before the end of the year.

But mostly I just haven't had much to say. Perhaps its been the business of my life that keeps my mind to preoccupied to think about much more than getting through the day. But I know there are people far busier than I who find time to think, write, and challenge themselves. So I'm left with only a few conclusions, one of which seems to be the most likely:

My brain is getting lazy.

I'm not really sure how I'm going to fix this problem, but I promise to blog more whether I make progress or not.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas with their friends and families. Mine was filled with delicious food, sleeping in late, and of course some thoughtful presents. Michigan didn't provide a white Christmas, but it still felt like home.

The short version

2006-09-24T23:12:00.000-05:00

Here are my long-awaited (I don't know how you've all been sleeping at night) before/after pictures. I actually typed out the whole long, painful story, but just as I was uploading the last picture, my computer froze up, and I don't have the energy to do it again. Suffice it to say that while the difference between the beginning and the end seems negligible, three different boxes of hair dye and finally a 3 hour, 4-procedure process at the salon are the undocumented footage. My hair has now been dark brown, horizontally striped lighter brown, black, and slightly green in the past week. (by the way, those weren't all happening at the same time. Each color had its own reign of terror)

Proof of Some of Andy's Hidden Abilities

2006-09-21T00:37:00.000-05:00

Here is a photo of Andy in his high school musical, "Grease". Good luck finding him. If you're lucky enough, perhaps you will have a chance to view this video sometime...

Here is proof of Andy's hair dyeing abilities. Clearly, there are no missed spots here. I rest my case.

She trusted me...again!

2006-09-15T23:55:00.000-05:00

Even though I missed a significant portion of her hair last time, Casi decided to give me another chance. Tonight we both helped each other dye our hair, and the results were much better. Niether of us has any stripes, patches, or spots in our hair, so we're already a step ahead of last time.

Here's Casi's before picture, where she's warning me that I had better not mess up this time!

And now deciding if she likes it (and also if we can still be friends)

She likes it!!

Soon to come...Janell's before and afters!

Second Winds and New Beginnings

2006-09-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

That was the title of Pastor David's timely sermon on Sunday. This past Sunday marked our church's first meeting in our new building, as well as our first Sunday with our new pastor, David Womack. Looking back, it makes all the delays in our building progress as well as the long search for a pastor so worth the wait. It was so fitting that we should all begin anew together, and we honestly couldn't have planned it that we way if we tried. Obviously we weren't the ones planning it.

I never would have guessed the incredible amount of time and work that would be required when we broke ground over a year ago, but I am so thankful for the challenges and needs that have met us along the way. Up until that point, everything had been handed to us. But as people left, and contractors went out of business, and money grew tighter, a strange thing started to happen. We started to act like a family, a family that could pull together and contribute whatever we had to get through. And we started (emphasis on started) to rely on God again. We knew the odds were against us, and the only way we were going to get through was (and is) to rely on God and His wisdom, not our own.

We had our last real workday last Saturday, from 7:30am until 11:30pm! I somehow found myself painting...again. This time it was wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling shelves, and this time I got to have a friend. Casi and I spent all day painting shelves for the Christian Education office, and maybe a little bit of time talking. : ) Though it was a very long day, it was also one of the most rewarding. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by all the work yet to be done as I walked out the door to go home, I felt excitement. In only a few short hours, we would be meeting there, singing praise to the Lord, listening to Pastor David bring us the Word, and celebrating God's faithfulness to us!

And that's what we did. We sang and prayed, and we listened to Pastor David talk about the things we can expect God to do in us and in our community through our new beginning. It was so refreshing to be still for a moment (a recurring theme I guess) and look back on where we've been, and then to look eagerly ahead to where we are going.

This coming weekend is our Grand Opening, which will include a Fun Fair for families as well as a dessert/coffeehouse for adults, so that will be a little busy. After that, my life should (for some reason it never seems to work out this way) become a little less crazy. And I can post more than once a month. And hopefully sleep a little bit more. And become slightly less addicted to coffee.

Then again, what's so bad about coffee? ; )

Being = Painting

2006-08-12T23:04:00.000-05:00

And I don't mean pictures. I mean baseboards. I know I promised myself to just relax and "be," but in the face of so many things to do, I just couldn't.

Every Saturday morning, we have a workday at our new church building, which usually involves cleaning or small projects. Andy and I try to go if at all possible, especially lately since we'll be (hopefully) moving our services there in just a couple weeks. This is one of those things Andy and I always do together, but I wanted to go this morning even though he is out of town to get started on a project that will ultimately fall on his shoulders: painting the baseboards in our new auditorium.

Andy is a fantastic painter. He's fast, innovative, and meticulous, so it isn't hard to understand why any leftover painting jobs have been assigned to him. However, with so many other things on his plate, he's been putting in a lot of time (read: too much) trying to get everything done.

So I decided to help. I went in this morning with a mission: to get the first coat of primer on the baseboards (which are already mounted, making it much more time consuming to paint). Without going into too much detail, let me explain how this job could possibly take as long as it did. The carpet is already installed, so the floor-baseboard angle had to be taped to avoid painting the carpet. Also, we have wall carpet that extends halfway up the wall (not as weird as it sounds) which is preferably avoided when painting as well. So...that means I had to use a 23 inch edging tool that I slid between the top of the baseboard and the wall carpet in order to get to the very edge of the baseboard without painting the wall...

...it took FOREVER!

This morning, I finished the biggest wall but had to leave to take one of my friends to the airport. So this afternoon, I debated: "I know I said I would just 'be,' but if I don't finish that, it's just more work for Andy, and he already has too much to do." Next thing I knew, I was at the church.

At first I was disappointed in myself. It truly is one of my (more socially acceptable) weaknesses that I will "do" anything before I allow myself to contemplate the thoughts in my head, to process the things that happen in my life. But as I painted, my thoughts slowed, and I began to think about the many people and situations that make up my world. There was no one else there to talk to, and there was no music to distract my ears and mind. It was just me and my thoughts...and the baseboards.

As I neared the end of my task, and my sense of accomplishment grew, I was reminded of the body of Christ. To me, my task was significant and important. To others, the baseboards will likely go unnoticed. In light of all the work thats been done and all the hours and energy sacrificed, my contribution was minimal. But just the same, every part of the body performs its function, and though mine was less than momentous, it was what I could do with what I've been given.

I finally finished at 10:15pm. Usually, I would expect to feel tired or worn out, but tonight, I felt renewed. Maybe it was seeing the result of the work I had done, or perhaps doing something I knew would help my husband. And while those are the tangible evidence of my time spent painting, I am also aware that my goal to just "be" was still accomplished tonight, despite my propensity to avoid it.

I cleaned my paint brush, returned the supplies to their designated place, turned off all the lights, and stood in the dark silence. My heart and mind were still. Je suis.

Je suis

2006-08-10T22:30:00.000-05:00

One of the few phrases I remember from my 3+ years of French, it means "I am." Or more accurately, "I am in the state of being." This weekend, I am going to attempt to do just that: be. A few of the significant people in my life are out of town this weekend, and I will miss them all. But in the time that they are gone, I have a specific goal in mind. Yes, I would like to clean my house. And yes, I would like to get to some of those projects that never actually get done. But even more than that, I would just like to step back from the "doing" and allow myself to "be" for a few moments. I don't really know what that will look like; perhaps a long walk with no destination, an evening with a good book and some coffee, a pad of paper and the thoughts in my head...the possibilities are endless. I wish for the familiar beaches I grew up with - to go wander and observe and soak in the beauty. But in their absence, I am certain I will make do.

One more for mom

2006-08-09T10:48:00.000-05:00

I realized that wasn't the greatest picture of the piano lamp to see how nice it looks with the piano, so I took another one this morning for you. I don't know how much you can tell from the picture, but it really brings out the gold stripes of the vase on the right and goes well with the lamp shade on the left. I couldn't have picked a better one myself! : )

Thankyou mom!

What you've been missing...

2006-08-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

...or at least what I've been meaning to post about. If I were really going to do this right, I would make a separate post for each event, but that sounds too complicated. So here is a conglomerate of pictures describing what I've been up to of late. That said here they are in non-consecutive order:

We tried to go to a Cubs game, but it got rained out, so we just spent a night on the town in Chicago instead (afer getting drenched!)

My mom gave Andy and I this beautiful piano lamp for our one year anniversary, and I just love it! (thanks mom!)

I met the beautiful Evelyn Elizabeth Moorman, Lydia's niece. She is so sweet, and I already brought her some cute clothes to wear. : ) Congrats Ted and Sarah!

On the way back from a concert with Casi and Karen Mattox in Casi's new Mustang convertible - it was really windy, and I didn't have a hair tie in case you were wondering!

I caught them drinking Mountain Dew! (they gave it up for 1 year - but I found out that Karen is on vacation, so it doesn't count...so I had one too.) : )

Sporting the wind-blown look...

The proud new owner of a red '03 Mustang Convertible...funny, now she always wants to take her car everywhere!

Before...

...and after. ( I helped Casi dye her hair...twice. I missed a rather large spot in the back of her head, so we had to go back to the store and get a little bit more hair dye. By the way, if I am scheduled to dye your hair at any time in the near future, this weekend perhaps, please do not be afraid. I am really good at this, promise. Also, do not under any circumstances ask Casi about this.)

Lydia and I went to a jazz club we've been talking about for months, Green Dolphin Street. The band was wonderful, the atmosphere sophisticated yet unpretentious, and the food (even the bar menu!) was fantastic.

Jazz, a good friend, candlelight, and a camera...what more could you ask for?

Also, Andy and I got to visit my family last weekend, which was really nice. It had been a long time since I was home, so I really enjoyed the relaxation, catching up, and of course the Lake.

I'm sure I've forgotten several things, but I dont' have any pictures of those things, so its just as well.

Now for the biggest news of all: I have the day off tomorrow!!! I can't wait to do all the things I've been thinking about every day for the past few weeks. Number #1 on my list is to calm the storm of flowers/weeds outside of my house that is now forming a barricade to the front door. I'm not sure which is weed and which is flower, so my game plan is just to trim everything a little bit until it doesn't look like the plant from "Little Shop of Horrors." That alone should take until at least noon.

Better late than never

2006-07-14T15:18:00.000-05:00

Casi and I making lime-margarita chicken kabobs

Even though its taken me almost two weeks, I still need to prove that I actually planned something, and then it happened exactly how I planned it. To be fair, when I say "I," I mean Casi. But thats completely beside the point. From here on out I'll say we.

We decided to host a 4th of July party at Casi's house this year, complete with swimming pool, a friendly bags competition, a cookout, and fireworks. We had a great time (aside from being bombed by Andy's water balloons at various points throughout the day) and enjoyed a relaxing day together.

We were really excited about the cupcakes!

Soon-to-be parents Ted and Sara (we can't wait!)

Two of the sweetest and most eligible bachelorettes in Chicagoland (Casi and Lydia of course!)

Still newlyweds! : )

Summertime

2006-07-05T22:26:00.000-05:00

This is why I love summer, and why I love living near Chicago. The girls and I made a day of going to Ravinia a couple weekends ago, and it was heavenly. We relaxed on our blanket, ate lots of food, did plenty of people watching, and listened to the smokey voice of Madeleine Peyroux.

Though we did get a few drops of rain at the end, it was so warm out that we didn't mind a bit.

At last...

2006-06-29T20:32:00.000-05:00

It is time to return the favor. Recently a longlost friend of mine got in touch with and gave me a little update on her life. Tonight, I am finally able to sit down for a moment and attempt to do the same. (Sorry for the delay!)

I guess I'll start where you did, after high school. I decided to go to Wheaton College, which is about 20ish miles west of Chicago. I went right after high school and really enjoyed my time there. I had great professors, made some wonderful friends, and yes, met my husband Andy there. I met him on my first day at Wheaton, and it didn't take long before we were spending every possible moment together. We dated all of my four years at Wheaton (he graduated a couple years before I did) and got engaged my senior year. We will have our one year anniversary this July 9th. (I can't believe it's already been a year!)

We moved to Aurora IL right after we got married and bought a house. We are still in the process of painting and putting in new carpet in some of the rooms, though to be honest our progress has mostly stopped in the last 3 or 4 months. We've both become increasingly involved in our church, and our time at home has become less and less as a result. I have played the piano for our church for about 3 years now, and Andy has just recently found himself on just about every committee there is! We are in the process of building a new building as well as searching for a pastor, so as you can imagine there is plenty of work to be done. We will probably move into the building in August, so we are truly looking forward to that! So much work and prayer has gone into this project, and we are really looking forward to the new opportunities we will have.

I am working as a dental assistant (thats what you get for majoring in English!) in a nearby city called Naperville. I work for an endodontist, meaning we do only root canals. I started there as soon as I graduated, and have found that I really like it. Andy is a fifth grade teacher, and he has been teaching at the same elementary school in Aurora for 3 years. During the summers he does interior painting jobs, which is a really nice extra income to have around.

I still love to read as well, but just like you said, Janette Oke hasn't made her way onto my bookshelves as of late either. I've also grown to love music, especially anything with a folk influence. Hmmm...what else does my life consist of? : )

My family is somewhat scattered now, with Ben living in Minneapolis, Steve and his wife Rachel (and my adorable 9 month old niece Ella!) living in the UP of Michigan, David just graduated from Wheaton and moved to Muskgeon for the summer, Lisa in Grand Rapids at Aquinas, and Daniel still at home. It is amazing to look at my siblings, the younger ones really, and see that they have grown into adults, with real lives and friends and goals! It is sometimes hard to be far away from everyone, as I'm sure you know.

Well, I guess that covers the basics. There are so many things that don't fit into words, but here is everything that does. You mentioned in one of your posts that you are planning to visit your family soon. Where do they live? I have no idea if it is close to where I am now, and if they are if it would even work, but I would so love to see you and your family. I don't want to intrude on anything or make your schedule any more hectic than it probably is, but on the off chance that something would work out I'd be thrilled! You can email me if you want instead of posting all that in a comment. : ) (Janell.Mccann@gmail.com)

Sometimes he makes me laugh

2006-06-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has known my husband Andy for very long would be able to tell you that he is a little picky when it comes to food. To be fair, I will eat just about anything, so it doesn't take much before I put someone in the picky eaters club. But by any standard, Andy's tastes are highly discriminatory. Though I could list all of the foods on the "Andy-does-not-eat-list," that is not the real reason for my post.

The food I want to focus on today is bread. Not so much a loaf of bread, (because he doesn't really eat that), but sandwich rolls. I am gradually learning what makes a good (and bad) sandwich roll. The bread must be soft and a little doughy, with no type of seeds or other foreign objects on top, and any kind of flavor is out of the question. Its incredible how fresh and tasty the rolls can look in the package, and then when you try them they are tastless, tough, or stale. Needless to say, I've learned by trial and error. Though Andy has been more than gracious, I always feel a little guilty packing his lunch with a sandwich I know he isn't really going to like. I usually have a flashback of my first-grade self, trying to swallow the lump of white bread and Bologna in my mouth.

All of this is a backdrop for the events that unfolded tonight. After Andy and I ate dinner tonight, I left to go grocery shopping. Among the items on my list for this week were "Good sandwich Rolls." I wrote it like this so I would remember to really look and find the PERFECT roll. I write this every week. Except that tonight, I actually found it! A new grocery store opened down the road just recently, and their selection is superb. So tonight, I found the perfect fresh, doughy, plain sandwich roll; I was ecstatic!

As I put the groceries away, I set aside the things I needed to make lunches for tomorrow. I could just imagine Andy coming home after work and raving over the sandwich perfection. (a little much perhaps, but you'd be surprised how excited he gets about good food) I was just finishing putting the groceries away when Andy came into the kitchen. We started talking about something, and it took a moment before I noticed that he was holding something in his hand. And he was squishing it. And it was the rolls! My perfect, Andy-approved, my-search-is-over sandwich rolls! My face must have conveyed my horror, because Andy simultaneously stopped talking and smashing the rolls into an unrecognizable mass of dough.

ME: "What are you doing??"

ANDY: "Uhhhhh...."

ME: "Those are for your lunches!"

ANDY: "I thought they were moldy!"

ME: "So you wanted to smash them?"

ANDY: "I was going to give them to the birds."

By this time, Andy looked so crestfallen that I couldn't help but laugh. You may be wondering, as I was and actually still am, why you would want to pulverize the bread before you would give it to the birds. You may also be wondering, as I was, why it was assumed that the bread was moldy. However, I feel it is best not to pursue the answers to these questions. I do know that next time, I'm getting two packages; one for Andy to eat, and the other for him to play with.

Accident

2006-06-18T23:02:00.000-05:00

I saw an accident happen last night. It was like the dream where you want so badly to talk, or more likely scream, but for some reason you find yourself in slow motion, and though your brain is furiously ordering your mouth to form the words, no sound escapes your lips.
We were sitting in traffic on an entrance ramp, waiting to get on the highway, and everything was backed up because there was a toll about 1/4 mile down from our ramp. It was late, and I had just gone to an outdoor picnic/concert with a few of my friends, so we were just sitting, all of us tired and ready to go home, waiting for our turn to merge. I was just staring at the parked cars already on the highway, not thinking about anything in particular, when I suddenly saw streaking brake lights, then something black flying in the air. And then there were two bodies on the ground, and the black object became visible as a motorcycle, which had been sitting at the end of the line of cars. It had flown up in the air and crashed against the car in front of it, and both people on it were now lying on their backs, not moving.

Then I could speak. Though I was too far away, and obviously couldn't have acted quickly enough, it seemed as though my brain had been trying for hours to yell out a warning, but my lips just wouldn't move. Now they would not stop moving, but even as I spoke I felt the uselessness of my words. Immediately there were people everywhere, standing in circles around the two on the ground, some kneeling, others fanning them and trying to wake them up, several on their cell phones. And all I could do was watch; it seemed disrespectul to turn my eyes away. Within minutes a policeman arrived, and slowly we merged into traffic and drove away, leaving everything behind us. Much of the remaining ride was spent in silence. Words seemed too casual and weak to express what had happened. We prayed, and I cried. And then we were quiet again.

I've checked every local police blotter I can find online today, but have discovered nothing yet. It is sobering, but not in a "well now we've all learned our lesson and we can move on" way. I feel as if my life has been irrevocably changed. I may never know who was in that accident last night or what caused the driver of that car not to stop, but I saw lives change in unfathomable ways right before my eyes, and I can't imagine I will ever forget it.

What a sweet, sweet day

2006-06-01T22:24:00.000-05:00

Well, today was the final day of school (with children) for this year. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I don't "have" to get up for anything inparticular for 3 months. :) Now, the reality is I'll still be getting up and working. It's just nice to know I don't have to.

To say my class was a challenge this year would be an understatement. There were days when I thought I'd go crazy. There were days I really enjoyed too. The toughest thing was the lack of impact I feel I had on the kids. I spent so much time disciplining that I wasn't able to really connect with many kids. It was a very frustrating feeling, especially when so many kids need that.

Here's to the summer though. Hopefully, I'll be recharged and ready to go next year again.

Janell's First Pearl Jam Show...Andy's 7th :)

2006-05-19T23:07:00.000-05:00

Here is a picture from Janell's first Pearl Jam show Wednesday night. I'm pleased to say she enjoyed herself, and has given me permission to see all of their shows within a 12 hour driving distance. I really appreciate it. So, I've got 2 Milwaukee shows, Cleveland, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, 2 St. Paul shows, and 2 Denver shows. I also appreciate her willingness to take up a 2nd job to help fund my travel/ticket expenses. She's quite the trooper. So, if it seems like you never get to talk to Janell, it's because she'll be cleaning toilets on the night crew at Wal-Mart. She's a very giving person.

Here are 2 pictures from the Tuesday night show I went to. Thought you might enjoy them. Janell's not too excited about my decorating our house with Pearl Jam memorabilia. What do you all think??

I love getting rid of stuff...

2006-05-13T23:19:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right. The McCanns are having our first annual yard sale. Now, you may already be wondering how we could possible have an annual yard sale. "Who has enough superfluous, unnecessary clutter to host a yard sale every year?"

That would be us.

We know we are materialistic. We know we are packrats. And we know as soon as we make some money on all of our junk, we will immediately go out and spend it on the makings of next years yard sale.

All joking aside, we spent most of the day going through our clothes, books, and other odds and ends. It makes me hope I will be much more careful the next time I buy something just because its on sale, or because I think it may be useful.

But then again, I guess our yard sale would be sadly lacking next year if I did that. So here's to being wildly consumeristic...

Here's to hoping...

2006-05-12T00:26:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I say. I'm casually browsing blogs with my wife by my side, and she directs me to her sister's blog. We look at the comments, and Janell tells me to click on Lisa's best friend's picture to view her blog. I do, and I am greeted by these photos.

I am left to ponder, "Is this what MY children may look like?", "Is THAT possibly going to enter into the McCann's gene pool?", and "My WIFE is related to her?!?!". Hopefully I won't lose too much sleep over the issue, but it is a concern. Alas, there is not much I can do about it now, but pray (and look into gene therapy of some sort). That is all.

Maybe I should be a teacher...

2006-05-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

It doesn't seem right that summer is around the corner, and I have no extended vacation in sight. I guess even though I've worked through every summer since I was 16, I'm still not used to the fact that I'm not done with SOMETHING (like school) when summer begins. Maybe I could quit my job for a few months and have a summer job - I could mow lawns! Or perhaps be a dog walker. Maybe even work at an icecream stand. I'm sure my boss would understand. I'll be back in the fall, when I'm ready to be a responsible adult again.

I was, in fact, informed last night by an expert (i.e. an eight year old girl) that you aren't a "real adult" until you're thirty. However, when pressed, she admitted I was no longer a teenager. She finally decided I was neither teen nor adult, which meant I could do whatever I wanted until I had to grow up.

I'll take it.

Men's Retreat

2006-04-30T21:45:00.000-05:00

Fun in Lake Geneva I went to Lake Geneva with a couple of the guys I work with for a Men's retreat. We had a blast (including some fun with this rope swing) and we got to praise God together, which was awesome. We went with Willow Creek Church (which is a HUGE church in Barrington, IL). I really enjoyed hearing Mike Breaux, one of the pastors from Willow Creek, speak.
For some reason the swing was lower for me...	Tony, with a goofy look on his face
Tony had several excuses for not being able to pull Tom back...	Was it wrong that I was hoping he fell in?

We're counting you...

2006-04-24T00:09:00.000-05:00

I'm wondering if anyone actually reads our blog, so I decided to add a counter. We'll be keeping an eye out for you. Howeverm it is invisible in case only like 5 people look at our blog, they don't know how unpopular we are.

Goodbye grackles, hello goldfinches

2006-04-22T16:46:00.000-05:00

Actually posted by Andy, not Janell:

Well, I solved the "Curse of the Grackle" recently. We have a bird feeder in front of our house which was being savaged by the common grackle. They were scaring off all of the other, nicer looking, birds. So, I did a little research and found that the grackle despises safflower seed. So, I replaced our wild bird seed with safflower seed and haven't seen a grackle since then. Suckers.

I also purchased a goldfinch feeder. Apparently, goldfinches are the only birds that feed upside down, so this feeder is designed only for them. This is somewhat humorous when other finches attempt to eat from the feeder. The have to resign themselves to picking up the scraps leftover on the ground. I might end up getting them their own feeder though. I feel for their plight.

One interesting phenomenon I have observed with the goldfinch feeder is that they seem to be very territorial. There has been 1 female, and 2 males at the feeder quite often. As you can see from this photo though, only one male eats at a time. There is space for 6 birds on the feeder, but as soon as the other male tries to feed, the one currently feeding scares him away. It's very interesting to watch.

A final observation about birds. I appreciate the fact that male birds are much better looking than their female counterparts. I made the comment to Janell that this is much like humans. She didn't seem to appreciate it though...As I like to say, it's a good thing we have a comfortable couch.

Lobster Anyone?

2006-04-19T23:14:00.000-05:00

Here's a lesson for all you kids out there. Even though it's cool outside, and it's not sunny in the morning, that DOES NOT mean that you can go to a baseball game without sunscreen. Some might think of this as an easy way to get a couple days off work, but I will assure you that it IS NOT WORTH IT. Some might assume I was trying to do my best Clawful impersonation, but he WAS NOT my favorite He-Man character. In case you haven't heard of it, when your sunburn oozes puss, it's called "weeping". It's quite enjoyable...Ok,not really. It's actually very disgusting. Probably not as disgusting as the HUGE blister on what used to be my right ear lobe. I'm hopeful for partial recovery of the lobe. Just to clarify, the substance on my wounds is not puss, but rather the medicine my doctor prescribed.

Andy's Gift List

2006-04-16T00:21:00.000-05:00

To All Interested Parties:

Here is a link to Andy's new and improved gift list.

http://www.andy-mccann.com/gifts.htm

Enjoy perusing it at your leisure. You can feel free to purchase any item whenever you would like, as I like to think of my birthday being a year round event.

Substitutions may be made for most items, although I would recommend having them pre-approved by the appropriate authorities (i.e. Andy).

Thanks you for your time.

Andy

2006-04-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

The Kitchen is Done!
This is our memorial to Janell's fond memories of the yellow Barnhart kitchen. I like it in our house too though. Hope you all can come see it in person sometime soon. :)

It's Curtains for the McCann's

2006-04-14T12:27:00.001-05:00

That's right,everyone will be happy to know that the curtains are finished for our living room. We are one step closer to actually having a home. I will be posting some other updates to the house in the near future. Janell did a wonderful job with her first sewing project. I'm sure the neighbors appreciate not having to see brown paper taped up in our windows too. :)
	Before curtains...
	After curtains!

Purple hope

2006-04-04T23:51:00.000-05:00

The other morning as I left for work, I was surprised to be greeted by these beautiful purple flowers. I felt an immediate attachment to them, wanting to protect them from the late spring frosts that were still to come, thinking they must have bloomed by some fluke caused by the ridiculous fluctuation of the weather in the Midwest. I stooped to look at them every day as I left for work, marvelling that they were still alive and thriving while everything around them, (grass, trees, neighboring plants) was still lying dormant.
On Saturday, it was finally nice enough to do a little yard work, so while Andy busied himself cleaning the gutters, I worked on aerating the flower beds. Though my goal was to loosen the hard-packed soil to allow water to penetrate, I'm suspicious that my only success was in giving myself a sore arm. In hindsight, the Garden Claw might have been worth the extra money. Andy made me use toothpicks stuck into a sponge; we're still not speaking. Not really. But we did try to save money on the tool, and I now know why it was so cheap. However, I did find time to take a few pictures (about 26, but I had to delete most of them already so Andy wouldn't know how much I was goofing off while he was almost falling off the ladder).

2006-04-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally figured out how to get me on the Blog too. Janell tried to keep it to herself, but I hacked into her account and added myself. HA HA HA

Here is proof that Janell's not the prissy princess that everyone thinks she is. She is willing to get a little dirt under those beautiful fingernails (except she wore gloves, so I guess not really).

This is outside of our new church building. We were clearing out some of the brush that is on our property. We want a clear view of the pond from the windows of our sanctuary.

2006-04-03T22:44:00.000-05:00

If this is anything like journaling, I won't post again for about three and a half months...but perhaps blogging is much different than journaling. We'll see.